A lifetime without love is a life of living hell!!

cup of coffee which is abnormal for me.....LMFAO.....I should be perfectly wired for sound here shortly which will just mean that I can physically keep up with the speed my mind is going at.....LOL Yeah right...

October 24, 2008
Leo (7/23-8/22)
Your mind is going to wander, today, and unfortunately sometimes at very inopportune times. This is most likely a sign that you are moving into a phase when you are going to be more introverted than usual. You're not quite connecting with other people at the level you would like to, so it's appealing to just go off on your own for a while. But late in the day you'll receive an invitation, and it's one you should accept. This event could hold the key to many major opportunities.


*** Horescopes aren't perfect but sometimes quite surprising.......

You want to live your life your own, but are you willing to pay the price? Being independent means that sometimes you have to be ready for your reputation to be bruised a little bit -- but wouldn't you rather be known as someone who occasionally breaks the rule than as someone who always does everything they are told to do? Stop making choices based on how it will make you look in the eyes of others. Just go your own way and accept the consequences.

August 29, 2008
Leo (7/23-8/22)
The biggest risk you can take in life isn't letting it all ride on black at the craps table or betting your life savings on a football game. No, the biggest risk you can take is to give your heart completely to someone else. But the rush you get when the risk pays off is greater than any amount of money ever will be. It is worth it. Even if you lose, your heart will be yours again and you will be oh-so-much wiser. Sharing your feelings is a win-win situation.

For some people this is simply a term that is thrown around for me it is one of the most meaningful terms I know...Probably because I believe unconditional love is the feeling someone has for another that includes some of the hardest decisions any of us will ever have to make....If you love someone unconditionally you love them not only when you agree and disagree with a decision but also when you are forced to make a decision that will hurt you, knowing the outcome you still do what you have to do because it isn't just about you....I have been lucky enough to lose very few friends in my life...there are a few that I am not as close to as we once were and some that we haven't spoken in years....But I can honestly say that as far as ending a friendship I have only lost one.....That one was a painful enough experience....but I also know that if he ever really needed me I wouldn't be able to turn my back on him....Now I face the loss of another and if I don't walk away I honestly fear I will lose the friendship all together....If I do walk away it is probably one of the most painful things I will have ever done...but when do you look at a situation and decide that someone elses happiness is more important then your own, or I have to lose in order to salvage....when do you ever know when it is time to let go?????

Have you ever felt like you were just watching your life go by... I do at least for this moment. I just don't feel like me right at the moment, I feel like myself. Thinking it can be a dangerous pasttime.

I find that life never ceases to amaze me, I think If I were Ever "Perfectly and incandescently happy," the world would dissolve into dust. Maybe that is what Armegedon will truely end up being, Not me being that happy because we all know that I am not that important. Someday, however someone like me will find that they have had happiness for just a little to long and didn't self distruct,the world will implode (LMFAO). Ok so as much as I try, Though no one who doesn't truely know me wouldn't believe it, I am a pessimist, at least on occasion. Either that or just spoiled rotten. I am doing well life is good or at least looking up the kids are doing better now that I had a strongly worded letter sent to my son's teacher. My Daughter is doing wonderfully, work is absolutely amazing, and I am about to start school again, finances aren't great but I am breathing through a straw again instead of being submerged. I should be the happiest person in the world considering the events of this last year, let me just say it was rough on every aspect save one. The Irony is that now my life is going in the right direction in every way except in the case of that save one. I feel like I am lossing it all because of a damn Save one (LOL). For whatever reason I could deal with everything blowing up as long as I had Save one. Now everything is roses and all I see is distruction because save one is gone. I am a truely spoiled individual I don't just want, I want it all. Maybe I am ambitious or just a tempermental bitch (LOL) that last would be funny though I think that is the one name I have never actually been called, Tempermental anyways.......

I have always found that life is an interesting place to exist. Today has not tarnished that belief. Far from it, it has given me hope that people do have a prayer, maybe not much of one, but a chance none the less. It is weird how a chance meeting can give you a sense of well being. Sometimes you just have to take that chance. I have always said I wouldn't regret my choices only the lack of nerve to even take that chance. I can honestly say I don't regret the choice's I have made, I do however regret the hesitance that have cost me the happiness I could have known.....

Life is chaotic as usual. I have started back to school and it is my first week. I am excited and exhausted and down right stressed. On top of everything else I am trying to get some of my homework done in advanced so I can enjoy my weekend and try to recoperate from the week I've had. Wish me luck.

Have you ever wondered what ever happen to, or Where are they now? I know I have wondered these things about some people. When I was 16 I had a scare, I thought I might be pregnant. My boyfreind at the time was on cloud nine, I honestly got really angry, here I was scared and he couldn't be happier. What was there to be happy about, This was the end of the world wasn't it? I found out I wasn't Pregnant, and you will never imagine my surprise that he was honestly upset.
Now I am a mother of Two as I've said and although he is married He has no children and for the life of me I can't figure out why? I wish I could say I was a saint And completely unselfish but I would be lying. The Idea of him being married was hard. I want him to be happy and I am glad that he has found someone But in all honesty I am still very much in love with him. I know that he isn't the man I knew, but I also know his heart and god I miss him. I do hope that he found happiness and I do hope that he is just waiting to have children till that opertune time, He is a wonderful man and he deserves the children I know he must desperately want, and I know more then anything else he is going to be an amazing father when that time comes. Those will be lucky children.
He used to be so quick to laugh, and was always so understanding an loving. I wish I knew And yet I am glad I don't. I don't know that I could handle any news right now. At least right now I have my Dreams.

Wow!! This planet can be a very small world. Is that a good thing or a bad? I used to think it was fantastic but now I don't Know. I have recently run into some old friend of mine that I thought long lost and upon finding them I instantly remembered the previous friendship and how much it meant to me. Although I have heard the saying you can never go back about a hundred times I still was surprised at how much had changed and how hard it was to pick up a friendship that although never died it had been lost. I wonder now if I should even have tried. I also thank my stars that the road I was trying to unearth back to an old love was lost amongst the vines. I would have to lose so important a memory to the tarnish that might be there. I don't know what the answer is if you should or should not look into that mirror. I did look and now I feel somewhat obligated to continue on to try to find new memories to replace the lost. I feel I need to at least owe my old self to find out if the friendship of the past can be reserected with a little effort of the present. If I lose at least like anything else I will know that I have tried. To all those from my past that I loved so very dearly. Thank you for making me who I am today. I wouldn't want to change that for anything.

When do you finally grow up? I remember when I was a kid how I used to think that when I grow up everything will be great. I will have alot of money and I will spend my life doing what ever I want to do. Somehow life just didn't turn out that way. In some ways I think it turned out better. I still find myself thinking I wish. Then I try to remember That all in all with everything that is wrong with my life it is the little things that make it so very right. I recently took a river trip with my best friend, my kids and our family. Everything that could go wrong went wrong and it was the best time I have had in a long time. It made me realize that sometimes you just have to stop and enjoy the little pleasures in life. On that trip we met some really killer people three guys that although I didn't get to know as much as I would like they still managed to prove that there are some really worth while people left in this world and if I would stop waiting for that next big thing to happen in my life I would realize that, that the next big thing is happening repeatedly and I am just not paying attention to what really matters. I went to the river then I spent last weekend at the Bad religion concert and this weekend I will be running away with my rugrats to six flags. Life for now is really good and it is these times that get me through all the times when life seems hell bent on making me think I can't make it. My parents gave me a Quote my Winston Churchill that I find myself Quoting Quite frequently It says "If you find yourself going through hell, Keep Going" That has become my lifes motto I find that in life Hell is more common then I would have ever guessed as a child but the innocents that I had lost I now Fight to get back I want to once again find the simple pleasures and really begin to live once again. I think that kids are more times then not more enlightened then the rest of us. They truely know how to make the most out of life and how really live it. I am a very lucky person to have two wonderful children to remind me daily that life is to short to take it seriously all of the time.

Well life this far has been an interesting ride. I don't know if anyone will read this or if it will end up just being for myself. I just know that I have survived and will continue to do so. I received a new look on life this weekend when my best friend dragged me into the sun and showed me what I had thought I had forgotten. Life is worth living and if you stop living it and are only existing you failed the test. I have spent quite a few years being and outgoing introvert. I don't know any other way of explaining it I forgot how to live. I forgot that the little thing's in life are often the most important and if you over look them it is hard to find any enjoyment in anything in life. You find yourself always wanting more because nothing seems to satisfy your thirst. You have forgotten that a simple conversation with some really cool people can often bring you back out into the open that you had lost. I have never been a person to hide behind other people, but when I went through my divorce last year I some how began to view myself as lacking. Lacking in what I am not sure but I lost faith in people and began to only put the image of myself on the line instead of really putting myself out there. I found that I don't want to go back to being that person. I want people to know me for who I am not what I want them to see. I'm really not that bad of a person. I will never be the one hanging from the Chandelier at a party but I have my best friend for adventures like that. She is absolutely fearless. I honestly believe that her dictionary never included the word fear because I have never know her to exhibit that particular trait. I have never gone out with her and not had something unexpected and in a way life altering happen. She truely is an amazing person. I hope that in my life's quest I learn a lesson or two from her that I can learn to embrace life for all that it is worth. This weekend we went to the river and met these really cool guys. It wasn't a romantic thing it was just really cool to hang out and be myself again. I think somewhere in my married life I forgot who I was and I don't think I am completely me again or maybe ever will be but it is nice to know that some of my old traits still exist, and are coming back. So to my best friend, I thank you for showing me that life is still going on and that it is okay to become a part of it.